This is for my benefit, not yours.

I’m so lost. I know I’ll be out, joining the military, doin my own shit. But when does it hit someone when they are like, “Hey, it’s time to grow up.” I can’t let go of the partys, the drugs, the drinks, the pong. Not saying I am a party animal, because I don’t think I am. But once i go for boot camp I’ll never come back. I’ve grown up with all of my bestfriends. Every single one of them. No one that was close to me moved away. I just can’t let it go. I wish I could have some sort of wake up call honestly. Ineedto really grow up.

I’m joining the military for good reasons, but I’m stuck here because I’m just so use to the bad.

I just want a wake up call.

rigouur:

I find this to be very true. 

When I take the time to understand the minute details of things, I seem to understand myself better than before. Always appreciate the little things, they could mean more to you than you know. 

(Source: youjustyou)

(Source: loveandsomeotherverses)

anditslove:

The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom

(Source: anditslove)

(Source: everything-inspiring)

You could never understand where I’m coming from. Where I’ve been. What I’ve seen. I’m surprised I do all these things for you. Because honestly, I shouldnt. I shouldn’t give anything to anyone. I’m bitter. I’m alone. I never went back to being the same. I never expected to.

But I try my best. Every morning theres a text in your phone saying goodmorning from me. While you’re at work, an appreciation text from me which I know you love. Every night, there’s always a sweet dreams. I’ll wait up past midnight for you to get off work, I would stay home on the weekends so we can talk. I would stop what I’m doing and go home so we can talk. Because thats our relationship, my effort, us talking. Every other month we get a little taste, a small visit. But its always back to just talking.

For you to tell me, “You always get mad over stupid shit. You just want to argue. Just stop getting mad for once. Etc” I’m looking at you like you’re crazy. I’m trying to talk to you, I’m trying to tell you a concern I’m having. And instead of fixing it, this is what you say?

We’ve dated before. But I am not the same and neither are you. But for me, it’s hard. For over a year I was hurt, abused, and used. I remember her yelling at me for 4 hours straight, and when she was finally done my mom saw the after math. She had to go to work, but she called hannah and told her, “Please do not go to school today and watch my daughter. _ _ _ _ has been screaming at her again, and this time I dont know what she might do.” Which was true, I wanted to do the worst. If hannah wasn’t there.. I just don’t know.

So now, I don’t trust anyone. I don’t let anyone in. I’m constantly thinking everyone is out to get me. I’m always looking over my shoulder. Even if someone didn’t mean what they said in a rude away, I’m going to take it as rude. Because thats what I expect. Thats what I think I deserve. That everyone that walks in my life is just bound to put me back in that position I was in. That this is what I deserve, so this is what I should expect. 

So before you get upset saying, you’re always mad. you’re always angry. Try and remember what I went through and realize

I’m not always mad, I’m always scared.